Which mascot would win a 100m race?
I thought about having the mascots fight to the death again, but, eh, I’d done that before. And it would end the same way… Spartans would triumph.
But there are all kinds of things that Spartans could *kill* but not *outrun*! So. It was a simple matter (ha) of looking up the top speed of each species of mascot and plugging the numbers into WolframAlpha. (Because converting mph into 100m times manually is for chumps)
A few ground rules:
- Flying is OK, if the mascot can fly.
- Swimming is NOT okay, because while there is air above a 100m track, there is not usually 100m of water right beside it. So suck it up, aquatic animals
- Things that couldn’t run CAN’T RUN.
- For fictional/imaginary things, I looked at their inspiration and did my best.
- I figured 100m wasn’t too long, so anything that had a faster ‘short bursts’ speed, I counted that.
- For humans, Bolt can do 9.69 but he’s nobody’s mascot. Superfast humans I figured could do it in 10 seconds . Slow humans, like, 15 seconds?
- For weather patterns, I counted forward speed, not circular, because, d’oh. Also assumed games are happening at San Diego, right? Turns out latitude is really important to that particular calculation.
- Where identical animals were matched (cough wildcats cough) I went with the higher seed, because whatever.
I’d like to thank the kind folks at http://www.speedofanimals.com. But not the Academy. The Academy didn’t do shit for me.
HERE WE GO.
1. Florida Gators: 14kph. 25 seconds. Sucks to suck, alligators.
16. Albany Great Danes: 32 mph (that’s video proof!) 6.99 seconds. Pfft no contest.
8. Colorado Buffaloes: 40 mph (5.59 seconds) “when the need arises” and whoooo boy has the need ever arisen because panthers are fast, too…
9. Pittsburgh Panthers: 70 km/hr - 5.143 seconds. A squeaker! And probably just due to rounding in metric vs english. Sorry, bison!
5. VCU Rams: 40 mph, 5.592 seconds.
12. Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks — I mean, even if lumberjacks were known for their speediness, that still wouldn’t be close to possible. Not this time, ax-boys.
4. UCLA Bruins: 35 mph, 6.391 seconds
13. Tulsa Golden Hurricane: At a latitude of 32.715, a hurricane (presumably of any color) has an average forward speed of 27.6 km/hr, so 13.04 seconds. TIL bears can outrun hurricanes.
6. Ohio State Buckeyes: NUTS CAN’T RUN.
11. Dayton Flyers: They are named after Orville and Wilbur Wright. The Wright Flyer 1 initially went 120 feet in 12 seconds, at which speed 100m would take 32.81 seconds. That’s plenty fast enough to beat a nut which CAN’T EVEN RUN. But for future tournament games, just to note, the Flyer actually had a top speed of 10 mph, giving us 22.37 seconds.
3. Syracuse Orange: COLORS CAN’T RUN.
14. Western Michigan Broncos: Obvi they win. But for future reference, horses can do 37.5 mph, so 5.965 seconds.
7. New Mexico Lobos: wolves 35 mph - 6.391 seconds
10. Stanford Cardinal: 25 mph - 8.95 seconds
2. Kansas Jayhawks: A jayhawk is a fictional bird, but it’s named after ruffians/guerilla fighters who clashed with pro-slavery fighters. Since birds’ speeds vary wildly (WILDLY, guys, I’ve learned so much filling out this bracket) let’s say that jayhawks are human ruffians. So they’re racing against:
15. Eastern Kentucky Colonels: From what I know of Kentucky colonels, anti-slavery ruffians could totes go faster.
Speaking of chickens,
1. Virginia Cavaliers: Cavaliers are pretty fit. Even if they weren’t, they’d win, ‘cuz…
16. Coastal Carolina Chanticleers: … chickens have a top speed of 9 mph, so 24.85 seconds. Pathetic, chickens, pathetic.
8. Memphis Tigers: 40mph, 5.9 seconds. See ya, Colonials.
9. George Washington Colonials
5. Cincinnati Bearcats: fun fact, the naval fighter ‘bearcat’ has a top speed of 455 mph! But the binturong is 15 mph, so 14.91 seconds.
12. Harvard Crimson: COLORS CAN’T RUN
4. Michigan State Spartans
13. Delaware Blue Hens: See Cavaliers vs Chanticleers. Humans beat chickens, cuz chickens are super sad at running.
6. North Carolina Tar Heels
11. Providence Friars: A challenging human vs. human race! On a pure fitness level, Tar Heels are soldiers, so that’s an advantage. But BY DEFINITION, they have sticky feet. The Friars are not so hampered.
3. Iowa State Cyclones: I thought a cyclone was a tornado, but the NOAA says it’s actually a hurricane! See Tulsa: 13.04 seconds.
14. North Carolina Central Eagles: Aiight, there are different kinds of eagles, but their logo’s got a white head. Bald eagle: 44 mph, 5.04 seconds.
7. Connecticut Huskies: so the thing about huskies is they’re distance runners. They can go 19 mph for days!!! Doesn’t do you much good in a 100-meter race, though, especially when you’re racing…
10. Saint Joseph’s Hawks: Well, it depends on what flippin’ KIND of hawk it is, and you’re not being very precise. But the most common hawk in North America, the red-tailed hawk, can go HOLY SHIT 121 MPH.
HAWKS ARE CRAZY
2. Villanova Wildcats: Same species as a housecat! 29.8 mph, 7.5 s
15. Milwaukee Panthers: see Pittsburgh, 70 kph. 5.143 s
1. Arizona Wildcats
16. Weber State Wildcats: be more creative with your mascot choices yo.
8. Gonzaga Bulldogs: Bulldogs can barely walk, let alone run. That is a scientific fact. They get wheezy and then they die. Bulldogs: just the saddest dogs.
9. Oklahoma State Cowboys
5. Oklahoma Sooners
12. North Dakota State Bison: see Colorado. You’d think a Sooner would get there sooner, but no human can run a sub-6 second 100m.
4. San Diego State Aztecs
13. New Mexico State Aggies: Human vs human! Advantage to the Aztecs. Those guys seemed in it to win it.
6. Baylor Bears: See UCLA. 6.391 seconds.
11. Nebraska Cornhuskers: Humans? Yeah, seriously, play dead when a bear’s chasing you. They win.
3. Creighton Bluejays: 25 mph, 8.948 seconds
14. Louisiana Lafayette Ragin’ Cajuns. Run yer heart out, ragers, but no human’s ever done that. (Besides, your previous mascots were bulldogs and chickens. WORST RUNNERS).
7. Oregon Ducks: 65.2mph, 3.44 seconds. Daaaang, ducks. Quack on.
10. BYU Cougars: see panthers, 70 kph. 5.143 s.
2. Wisconsin Badgers: 30 km/hr - 12 seconds
15. American Eagles: DEFINITELY bald eagles here. See NC Central: 5.04 seconds, baby.
1. Wichita State Shockers: WHEAT CAN’T RUN
16. Cal Poly Mustangs: yeah that’s right. I’m committed to this strategy.
8. Kentucky Wildcats
9. Kansas State Wildcats: Ugh. Stupidest. AGAIN.
5. Saint Louis Billikens: Whatever the hell a billiken is, let’s assume it runs like a human, okay? Shape-shifting knickknacks, ugh, the worst.
12. North Carolina State Wolfpack: See Lobos. 6.391 seconds. Yeah, billikens don’t seem faster than that. Do they? This one was hard. Billikens are so mysterious!
4. Louisville Cardinals: see Stanford. 8.95.
13. Manhattan Jaspers: Turns out Jasper was a dude! So, he’s not gonna win.
6. UMass Minutemen
11. Iowa Hawkeyes: Human vs. human! Minutemen have how fast they are in their NAME. Minutemen win.
3. Duke Blue Devils: Turns out they’re named after French soldiers. How odd! How human! How unfortunate for Duke, since…
14. Mercer Bears: …we’ve established bears run a 6.391.
7. Texas Longhorns: 25 mph, 8.95. Moooooo.
10. Arizona State Sun Devils: How fast does a sun devil run? That’s tough. But I really like cows, and AZ State had a bulldog as its mascot before they picked sun devils, so I’m going to say a sun devil is not nearly as fast as a longhorn.
2. Michigan Wolverines: 30 mph, 7.456 seconds.
15. Wofford Terriers: 25 mph, 8.948 seconds.
Etc. etc for all subsequent rounds, and the moral of the story is HAWKS ARE CRAZY FAST.
And I’ll be the only person on earth cheering for St. Joe’s to win it all.
For the record:
I briefly thought about having the non-animal mascots run as fast as humans in mascot suits do, for which I actually have some data: http://www.rickandbubba.com/the40.php
NUTS CAN’T RUN.